I’m out of books at my house (meaning, I’ve read them all, I haven’t had time to go to the library, and I can’t justify buying new books for myself two weeks before Christmas), so last night I got into bed with a few of my diaries from high school. As you may know, I published a compilation of my great-grandmother’s diaries, and I’ve often thought in the back of my mind that maybe I should try to do the same for my own. After last night’s reading, I just have to say, No. And also, Gah.
My diaries can be divided into two parts. Part the First was me whining incessantly about how unpopular I was and how much I wanted a boyfriend. Part the Second was me enthusing endlessly over how much I loved the boyfriend I finally got. I love him! I love him so much! I love having a boyfriend! Oh how I love him! We’re going to get maaarried and I love him! Every night, for two years, that’s all I wrote about. Well, then he went off to college and every night I wrote, I miss him! I miss him so much! I can’t stand being without him! I miss him! And I love him!
Yikes.
And it’s not that I don’t believe, now, that I really did love him. I did. He was (still is, I assume) a good guy and I think that without him I would’ve been pretty miserable those last two years of high school. There were a few things I read last night that made me think, “What? He said THAT to me? He did WHAT? I let him get away with THAT?”, but on the whole he was really pretty sweet. I just…outgrew him, I think, when I went away to college. (And I think he was on the verge of outgrowing me, too, he just wasn’t ready to admit it.)
It’s funny to wonder what might have been, though. What if I had gone to the same college as him? (That’s what he wanted me to do, but my mom wouldn’t let me. Ha! Actually, she did advise me against it, but I didn’t want to go to his school anyway.) What if he had been a little more persistent about trying to win me back? What if I’d ended up calling him the time I was driving home from San Antonio and my car broke down on the highway right outside Abilene and I couldn’t get hold of my parents? What if I had married him?
Of course what springs immediately to mind is that if I had married him, I would never have come to North Carolina, and I never would’ve met Chris, and we wouldn’t have our daughters. I never would’ve known what I was missing -- and I know that if I had married him and had his kids, I would’ve loved those kids with all my heart, but they wouldn’t be Mallory and Phoebe. And I can’t imagine a world without those two. And I know that Chris and I are infinitely better suited for each other than First Boyfriend and I were. So I think I’d still be wondering what might have been.
Just Finished Reading (over the past few weeks)
Digging to America by Anne Tyler
I got this book because it deals with international adoption (two couples adopting babies from Korea), which is a topic that’s been on my mind lately because I follow a blog about a woman who just adopted a little girl from China. As it turns out, the adoption and the babies were just kind of a subplot – the book is more about the grandmother of one of the girls. A good book nevertheless, but not one I was wild about. Actually I feel that way about all of the books by Anne Tyler that I’ve read.
The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
A fun read. I was kind of rolling my eyes during the first fifty pages or so because it was so pseudo-Gothic and a bit melodramatic, but then I got pulled into the story and ended up liking it quite a bit.
Naked by David Sedaris
Hilarious. And he grew up in Raleigh, so he mentions places I know – North Hills, Crabtree Valley Mall. I love finding familiar places in books. And music too – Amarillo by Morning is one of my very favorite songs, just because it has “Amarillo” in the title. I’m tempted to get the rest of Sedaris’s books and read them right away – he’s that funny. But I think I need to space myself. I made the mistake of reading all of the Jeeves and Wooster stories in a two-week timespan and by the end I was really sick of the Aunt Agathas and the old beans and the Wooster wackiness. Lesson learned: sometimes moderation is best.
My diaries can be divided into two parts. Part the First was me whining incessantly about how unpopular I was and how much I wanted a boyfriend. Part the Second was me enthusing endlessly over how much I loved the boyfriend I finally got. I love him! I love him so much! I love having a boyfriend! Oh how I love him! We’re going to get maaarried and I love him! Every night, for two years, that’s all I wrote about. Well, then he went off to college and every night I wrote, I miss him! I miss him so much! I can’t stand being without him! I miss him! And I love him!
Yikes.
And it’s not that I don’t believe, now, that I really did love him. I did. He was (still is, I assume) a good guy and I think that without him I would’ve been pretty miserable those last two years of high school. There were a few things I read last night that made me think, “What? He said THAT to me? He did WHAT? I let him get away with THAT?”, but on the whole he was really pretty sweet. I just…outgrew him, I think, when I went away to college. (And I think he was on the verge of outgrowing me, too, he just wasn’t ready to admit it.)
It’s funny to wonder what might have been, though. What if I had gone to the same college as him? (That’s what he wanted me to do, but my mom wouldn’t let me. Ha! Actually, she did advise me against it, but I didn’t want to go to his school anyway.) What if he had been a little more persistent about trying to win me back? What if I’d ended up calling him the time I was driving home from San Antonio and my car broke down on the highway right outside Abilene and I couldn’t get hold of my parents? What if I had married him?
Of course what springs immediately to mind is that if I had married him, I would never have come to North Carolina, and I never would’ve met Chris, and we wouldn’t have our daughters. I never would’ve known what I was missing -- and I know that if I had married him and had his kids, I would’ve loved those kids with all my heart, but they wouldn’t be Mallory and Phoebe. And I can’t imagine a world without those two. And I know that Chris and I are infinitely better suited for each other than First Boyfriend and I were. So I think I’d still be wondering what might have been.
Just Finished Reading (over the past few weeks)
Digging to America by Anne Tyler
I got this book because it deals with international adoption (two couples adopting babies from Korea), which is a topic that’s been on my mind lately because I follow a blog about a woman who just adopted a little girl from China. As it turns out, the adoption and the babies were just kind of a subplot – the book is more about the grandmother of one of the girls. A good book nevertheless, but not one I was wild about. Actually I feel that way about all of the books by Anne Tyler that I’ve read.
The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
A fun read. I was kind of rolling my eyes during the first fifty pages or so because it was so pseudo-Gothic and a bit melodramatic, but then I got pulled into the story and ended up liking it quite a bit.
Naked by David Sedaris
Hilarious. And he grew up in Raleigh, so he mentions places I know – North Hills, Crabtree Valley Mall. I love finding familiar places in books. And music too – Amarillo by Morning is one of my very favorite songs, just because it has “Amarillo” in the title. I’m tempted to get the rest of Sedaris’s books and read them right away – he’s that funny. But I think I need to space myself. I made the mistake of reading all of the Jeeves and Wooster stories in a two-week timespan and by the end I was really sick of the Aunt Agathas and the old beans and the Wooster wackiness. Lesson learned: sometimes moderation is best.
Comments
do you still have the Sedaris book or was it from the library. I findished the Autobiography of Santa Claus if you want to read it.
Amy
All of your "what ifs" make me laugh! But I can't imagine any other grandchildren of yours except Mallory and Phoebe.
Mom