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In which I retract my previous post altogether

So I have a kind of funny story to tell, except it's also a bit embarrassing both to me and to Mallory, and lately I've been wondering how much I should continue to blog about the children, particularly Mallory, since she's getting older and has more of a sense of privacy and so forth...but considering what she did to ME this week, I think I'm well within my rights to spill basically, I could have just told the story and spared you all this inner debate, couldn't I?

Although, because this story does paint Mallory in a pretty bad light, I have to start by pointing out that Mallory is really, really bad with the snappy comebacks. I have seen her in situations where she's under pressure to say something clever, or to respond to a friend who's not being particularly nice, and she always rather spectacularly fails to deliver. Last year her favorite response to being reprimanded by me or Chris was: "Well, I'm going to have much more funner than you in kindergarten!" And once, when the girl next door was being snotty, Mallory said, "Yeah, well, I'm going to Disney World tomorrow, so there!" At which point Snotty Girl asked me if that were true, and although I really wanted to lie to defend Mallory's honor, I couldn't bring myself to do it, so Mallory just ended up looking like...well, a liar, and not a very bright one at that. All of which is to say that Mallory must have said the egregious thing she said because she was trying valiantly to impress somebody in some way, or to respond to something else outrageous that someone else had said, and I also think that the person she said it directly to is a "friend" who is also a taunter and a baiter and who I wish would go away and leave Mallory alone already.

And now you're probably wishing I would get to the point already. So I will. Tuesday night I came home to find a message from the principal. She said that she'd had a little talk with Mallory about something, and that she wanted to talk to me as well. I of course asked Mallory what this was all about, and Mallory hemmed and hawed and refused to answer for a few hours and then finally said, "Well, it was all a big misunderstanding between me and Anna."

"About what?" I said.

"We were having snack, and it was REALLY LOUD! And I said something and Anna thought I said something else and she told Mrs H about it."

"What did you say?"

"Um...that you were the best mom ever."

"Okay...what did Anna think you said?"

" you were going to kill a lot of people."

"That I was going to kill a lot of people?!?"

"Yeah. But I really said that you were the best mom ever."

Except that of course, that's not really what she said. In my meeting with the principal the next morning -- who, I have to add, was pretty much chortling the whole time -- Mrs H said that Anna's mom had called her, reporting that Anna said that Mallory said (there's got to be a way to explain this without all these "saids") that one night she snuck downstairs and overheard ME telling Chris that I was going to kill her and Phoebe and then kill all the kids in first grade as well.

"Oh dear," I said to Mrs H.

"I assured Anna's mother that you posed no danger to the students," Mrs H continued, "but I did want you to be aware of what Mallory had said. We won't punish her here in school, but you may want to talk to her."

"Yes indeed," I said, and then I said I was completely mortified, and then told her about Mallory's "but I actually said you were the best mom ever" line, and then we laughed about how dumb kids can be, and I told her I appreciated her talking to me, but the bottom line is:

I'm pretty mortified.

Also, I'm feeling pretty lucky that Mallory goes to a very small school, and that I am known to its staff, because in a larger school, Mrs H may have just sent CPS or the FBI to my front door instead of calling me in and laughing it off.

Also, although, as I explained, I can perfectly picture the circumstances under which Mallory would have said something so outrageous, I can also picture another child's mom thinking that I must have raised my child in a barn, or with wolves, or with a constant stream of violent TV shows, or something.

Also, I guess we've done a 180 from last year, when all of Mallory's classmates were on my side with righteous indignation, because now they all probably think I'm a crazy lady.

Also, if my child is going to be a liar, it's at least good that she's such a horrible one.

Also, in spite of everything, it's kind of nice to have this kind of blackmail-worthy story under my belt. Mallory's not going to live this down for many years to come.


Anonymous said…
I think that is hilarious! Krista, the serial killer! Seriously, someone needs to teach Mallory to make somewhat less frightening comebacks.

aimee said…
Oh my gosh. That is funny. I agree with mom. Isn't there a book out there somewhere that has snappy but not making your mom to be a mass murderer comebacks?

Hee. Hee.

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