Skip to main content

Submission Guidelines

I’ve had such an interesting day at work. I don’t want to reveal too much about my job, so let’s say, hypothetically, that I create html newsletters for hamster owners. And let’s say that in our last issue we invited our loyal readers to submit their very best picture of their hamster for possible publication in our next issue. Let’s say that we have received, to date, over three thousand pictures of hamsters that I now have to sort through. And let’s say that some of these pictures are alarmingly bad, so much so that I have decided that next year, when we once again open our inbox for reader photos, I’m going to include these guidelines:

1. Please submit only photos that are in focus.
2. Please fix any hamster red-eye before submitting photo.
3. Even the cutest hamster does not look all that cute when sitting on a couch with busy upholstery.
4. Or when sitting on dirty linoleum.
5. Photos of your hamster’s nether regions are not desirable.
6. Photos of your hamster snuggling into your cleavage are even less desirable.
7. “Glamour shots” of you and your hamster – again, no.
8. As we are one of the leading public advocates for hamster welfare, we cannot publish photos featuring your hamster perched on a jet ski. Or tangled up in electrical cords.
9. Please remove all sunglasses and funny hats from your hamster before taking the photo.
10. Please do not add captions such as “Hamster Love” or “Cutie-Pie!” to your photo. Leave the editorializing to us, the editors.
11. We stated that we wanted your “best” photo. “Best” means one, not five, not fifteen, not fifty-three. No, they’re not all so cute. Yes, you should be able to decide. Just pick one!
12. To the person who submitted the same picture 1200 times – seriously, what was that all about? Don’t do that. And your persistence, incidentally, did not pay off. Don’t watch for your hamster in our next issue, cause he’s not going to be there!

Comments

aimee said…
Hilarious! What is with all those hamster owners anyway? :)
Anonymous said…
I needed a laugh and that was it! Too funny.

Mom

Popular posts from this blog

Merry Christmas to Joey, too!

Scene: After the Christmas pageant. Me: You did great, Mallory, we're proud of you! Mallory: What was your favorite part? Me: Hmm. I liked the "Whatcha Gonna Call That Baby?" song. Chris: I liked that one too. Me: But I also liked "Joy to the World." Mallory: Joey in the world? What's that? Me: No, joy to the world, the song you just sang. Mallory: Oh yeah. Me: That's one of my favorite songs. Phoebe: A favorite song is a song that's your favorite and you like it and you sing. (Pause) Phoebe: And you dance. Mallory, before the show, in front of our haphazardly decorated Christmas tree. Phoebe declined to be photographed. All I was able to photograph of the event itself: Phoebe, objecting to the camera's flash: Now she closes her eyes before I snap every picture. Sigh. But she's cute anyway! And so is Mallory! And their dresses match! We're thinking Arby's: Okay, that's it! Recently read: The Golden Compass and The Subtle Knife . ...

It's what's for dinner

One of the things that I failed to appreciate about my mom until I left home is that she always made dinner (although I think we called it supper then), by which I mean, something hot, usually involving a vegetable. I don't remember my mom ever saying sheepishly to her hungry spouse and offspring, "I don't feel like cooking, how about a bowl of cereal?" I hate making dinner. Haaate it. It's my least favorite chore. It's not necessarily because I can't cook. I can usually manage to create something edible, although I have yet to perfect the science of getting, say, the chicken and the broccoli and the rice and the rolls all ready at the same time. (There are those among you who may be surprised that I make and serve broccoli. It's true! It's best when roasted: Toss with olive oil and salt, spread on a baking sheet, put in 400 degree oven for about 8 minutes. It's delicious! Delicious as broccoli can be, at least.) It's also not necessarily t...

Little sisters

Mallory was invited for a sleepover tonight; this morning, as she was packing her suitcase, Phoebe came in and said, "Me too!" When Chris found her suitcase, and gently told her that she wasn't invited to the sleepover, she cried for an hour. I think I'll always have a special sort of sympathy for Phoebe, my second child, because I was the second child too*. (And it's odd, because although I have younger siblings as well, I always think of myself as a little sister, or as the younger older sister, if that makes sense. I think that's because Jana, my big sister, was so good at being the oldest, responsible and, uh, authoritarian, and I am, well, fundamentally irresponsible. We all bowed to her! In a good way. I could never live up to that.) I often feel sorry for Phoebe, left behind while Mallory goes to school all day, because I well remember the long, lonely boring days I spent waiting for Jana to come home from school (not counting the days I spent playing i...