In My Head

In my head there's an ever-ticking clock which computes the number of minutes I spend with my kids. This clock tells me that it's okay to be fifteen minutes picking them up after work on Thursday, because they got an extra two hours with me on Monday because I worked from home. Or that I need to make sure to be a little early tomorrow, because I have a 30-minute meeting with Mallory's teacher in the evening. The clock ticks loudly at me when I go anywhere without the kids on the weekend. The clock reminds me not to be annoyed when my kids wake up extra early on the weekend, because that's extra time to spend together. The clock tells me that Phoebe and Mallory are without me about 8.5 hours a day, but seven of those hours don't count for Mallory because of school, and two don't count for Phoebe because of naps. Once, when I was having trouble falling asleep, the clock and I computed the total annual difference between the time I spend at work and the time I spend at home. (Home lost, by just a little bit.) Recently the clock is making me feel guilty for wanting to exercise for 30 minutes three times a week, because when you add in travel time and the time it takes to change close that's two extra hours the kids won't get to spend with me.

Sometimes I wish the clock would just shut up.


aimee said...

That is so true. Why do mothers have such a big guilt factor built in their bodies?