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Things You May Not Have Known

The scene: Last night, bedtime.

Phoebe: Mommy, are there monsters?

Me: No, no monsters.

Pho: There are no blue monsters to scare me?

Me: No, there are no monsters here at all.

Mallory: Phoebe, monsters aren't real. They're like vampires and unicorns and other things that aren't real.

Pho: Oh!

Mal: Mommy, what other things aren't real?

Me: Um, dragons.

Mal: Yeah. What else?

Me: Dinosaurs.

Mal: Dinosaurs are real!

Me: Well, you're right. They used to be real, but there are no live dinosaurs now.

Mal: I know what happened to them.

Me: You do?

Mal: Yeah! A big planet came and crushed them and they all ran away because they were scared and they died.

Me: Hm.

Mal: Is that right?

Me: No one knows for sure, but yes, many people believe that an asteroid, which is a big big big big rock from outer space, crashed into the earth and changed the weather so much that the dinosaur's food couldn't grow, and so the dinosaurs died.

Mal: Yeah, because if you don't have any food for a long long time, you die.

Me: Yes.

Pho: The dinosaurs didn't have any pancakes?

Me: No, no pancakes.

Pho: The dinosaurs didn't have any awfuls?

Me: No, no waffles.

Pho: The dinosaurs didn't have any French toast?

Mal: Phoebe, you're being silly. Mommy, what other animals aren't real?

Me: Um, woolly mammoths.

Mal: What else?

Me: Sabre-toothed tigers.

Mal: Oh yeah, they have really big sharp teeth. If they bite you, they will crush your bones.

Me: Uh huh.

Mal: Unless they're in a cage. Mommy, it's a good thing that all these really mean animals are dead, right? Is that why God let them all die, so they wouldn't be here to scare us?

Me: Well --

Mal: But if God wanted to, he could wish at them really hard and then they'd pop right up and be alive. And that would be scary! We might all be dead. Guess what? Ben in my class, his grandparents died before he was born! He never even saw them.

Me: That's too bad.

Mal:Yeah, and you know my friend Anna? Her mother died. And she has a baby sister, and they lived with their grandparents, but then one of those lions with the sharp teeth came, and crushed their bones and they died. So Anna has to take care of her sister now and they have to ride the school bus.


Mal: School buses are very dangerous.

Pho: Where's the lion?

Me: There's no lion. The only creatures in this house are you, me, Mallory, Daddy, and Finn.

Pho: Oh!

Mal: We're not creatures, we're people.

Me: All right.

Mal: Good night, Mommy.

Me: Good night.

Mal: I love you.

Pho: I love you too!

Me: I love you both.

Pho: Mommy, are there any blue monsters?


Yesterday afternoon Phoebe announced to my mother-in-law that she needed a clean diaper. Claudia said, "You know Phoebe, it's about time you started going on the potty. I have a potty chair for you. Where would you like me to put it so you can find it every time you need to go potty?"

Phoebe said, "On my butt!"


aimee said…
I am laughing so hard right now. At all of it!!
Anonymous said…
Hilarious! The logic of your oldest kid is, for lack of a better word, amazing.

Worm's Woman said…
That has to be the greatest thing I've read!!
J&H Noble said…
Too funny! My absolute favorite though is the 'on my butt' comment. Priceless!

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