3/4/08

Monday Blues

Yesterday, driving home, it occurred to me that what I really wanted to do was to pull over to the side of the road and have a good cry. This is odd for two reason: 1) I’m not much of a cry-er; and 2) There’s nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong, really. No crises, no disasters. I’m healthy, I have a great husband and two healthy kids, we have a nice home and food on the table and all the necessities plus some extras and my nation is on the cusp of electing either a black man or a woman to the White House, which is awesome…but I still have the blues.

It’s all just too much, sometimes. Sometimes my life seems like a long list of have-to’s, with no time for the want-to’s. Go to work. Shop for groceries. Bathe the kids. Make dinner. No, make a healthy dinner. No, make a dinner the family will actually eat. Pay the bills. Feed the dog. Supervise the homework. Do the laundry. Conserve the water. Pick up the socks. Refrain from responding in kind when the six-year-old says, “I don’t like you!” Stave off the two-year-old’s tantrums. Change the diapers. Get the children to school on time. Pack the lunches. Not to mention all things that I should be doing on top of everything else that I am doing: Exercise. Save money. Read more books to the children. Work on family tree project for distant relative who asked me to do it over a year ago. Clean the house. Brush the dog. Find a new career. And so forth.

I feel like I’m just muddling through, that I’m just scraping by and doing the bare minimum it takes to get from morning to night. And maybe that’s all I can expect as a full-time working mom of two small children…but maybe it’s not. I’m tired of being caught off guard by the change of seasons, the turn of the calendar, of thinking over and over again some variation of, “Wait, it’s March? It’s 2008? I’m 36? And this is all I’ve done?” I’m tired of putting off even thinking about ways to make my life better because I’m too busy, too stressed, too…tired. I’m tired of being tired.

And again – I know how lucky I am. I know that I have a blessed and happy life.

But I don’t think this is all there is. I think there can be more. I just don’t know how to get there.

3 comments:

aimee said...

I hear ya, sis. I have been feeling the same way! Which is why I haven't blogged much or about much (the weather, I mean what is more boring than that!) You put it in words that I couldn't though. Thanks. And when you find out how to get there, and you will, let us know what you did and how you did it. :)I love you!

MomofK9s said...

I think most people feel this way. I know I do. But then sometimes, I also think about all the stuff I do, do and I am amazed at that as well. You are a fabulous mom and you do a great job with the girls. They won't remember what you cooked for them or how clean the house was. They will remember that you took them roller skating, or to the movies or read them a book or baked cookies with them. And that is the most important thing.

J&H Noble said...

You are not alone!! A co-worker yesterday said that it was just spring fever, but the madness is here year-round. Good point. Well, just keep focusing on the good stuff and the blessings you have, and how bored you would be without them. And then take a deep breath and jump back in!
H