Fear of the dark, I think I could handle

Yesterday afternoon, Mallory held up a piece of Halloween candy. “Hey Mommy, can I have this gumball?” she asked.

I glanced at it and said, “Yes, but I think that may be a jawbreaker, not a gumball, so don’t chomp down on it right away.”

“But what will happen if I do?”

“Well, you’ll hurt your teeth. Just suck on it for a minute and then bite down gently to see if it’s gum.”

“But now I’m scared.”

“Don’t be scared, it’s just a piece of candy. I just don’t want you to hurt your teeth.”

“Did you ever have a jawbreaker?”


“Did it hurt?”

“No! They don’t hurt you, you just can’t chomp down really hard right away, as if it were a piece of gum.”

“But what if my teeth slip and I bite down hard? Will my teeth break?”

Phoebe interjected: “Mallory, don’t do it! Mommy, I don’t think she should eat that! Put it away, Mallory!”

“Mallory will be fine,” I said. “But if you don’t want to risk it, then just don’t put it in your mouth.”

“I’m really scared,” Mallory said.

“Then. Don’t. Eat. It.”

“Do you promise I’ll be okay if I do?”


“Mallory, it seems really dangerous!” Phoebe said.

“I guess I just don’t understand what a jawbreaker is,” Mallory said.

“Oh for…it’s like a lollipop, only without a stick. You have to suck on it for a while before you can chew it.”

“How long?”

“I’m not sure.”

“But what if I don’t do it long enough? Will my teeth break?”

“Mallory, I really don’t want you to try it!” Phoebe pleaded. “Mommy, make her not try it!”

I took the candy from Mallory’s hand, opened it up, and stuck it in my mouth. And then, as my children watched in horror, my teeth instantly shattered into a thousand pieces! And my head exploded! And I melted into a puddle of goo! Their fear of the jawbreaker was justified!

Clearly, they need to stick to candy bars in the future.


Not ten minutes later, Phoebe called me from the bathroom: “Mommy, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

I was in the middle of something, so I called back: “Just use some Kleenex!”

“Nooo! That scares me! Please don’t make me do that! I’m scaaaared!”


Anonymous said...

I laughed all the way througj your post! I can't really say why I find your neurotic kids so funny, but I do


aimee said...

Mom must have been laughing still while typing! Hee Hee

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're right. Plus, I didn't even proof read - I couldn't see for the tears of laughter!